stronger with each tear.

heartbreak warfare

Something happened to me. I can say that, this is the worst thing that ever happened to my life.
You never know when something's going to hit you real hard. Its too hard, you can't even feel the pain anymore. Something too big to consume, I can't even handle it anymore.

Feeling crushed from the least person you expected. So crushed and heartbroken, i keep questioning what's wrong with us ? what's wrong with me ? But no, I'm not going to question anymore. This tragedy will always leave a big fat hole in my heart, a hole that I thought would never be there. Not this huge. I am hurt so huge, i can't even feel the pain anymore. Have you ever felt that kind of pain ? It is numb.

I am silently screaming. I have to say that I'm in denial and keep postponing when should I confront him. Because once I do it, its never gonna be the same again. Its never going to be, the same again. I am so weak it surprises me. I am feeling so vulnerable its fcukin pisses me off. I am so in disbelief I'm running away from facing the reality. I'm too scared to let it fully hit me.

At times like this, i have to say i feel so unbelievably grateful for the existence of my boyfriend and my two very best friends in my life. They have been there for me and giving me support like crazy. I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you.

This is going to be a long journey, a long heartbroken process. Lets all hope for the best.

My Hunsie,

The more I think of you, the more I realize how lucky I am having you for my own darling hub-to-be. Oh, hasn't God been good to me - far more than I deserve.

Thank you for being there and be funny.

love,
lumpy

all (pretty much) the same

You think you know a person
You expect quite a lot from this person
You look up to him
You have so much respect for him
You feel proud when you talk about him
You think he's your role model
You want your husband to be just like your daddy
All of a sudden, its all just shattered.

The respect and admiration has gone
The whole perception has changed.
The whole image is ruined.
Feelings are ruined, hurt and in denial.
I keep thinking that this is not happening. not to me.

I'm hurt
I'm scared
I'm dissapointed
I don't know what to believe anymore.

Why, dad ?

preston bailey's

ain't life grand ?
this is divine.

vera wang's best

hello.I'm not trying to say anything here. just for reference!
nothing really caught my attention anyway.
except maybe the black Delilah dress. (there's only one black)

ps : click on the image to see them in a bigger size.

christmas joy

This is going to be the loneliest christmas of my life, because we're short by two family members. My mom and my brother's in Seattle, and we'll celebrate christmas separately. I got my christmas spirit early this year, guess what i've decided to do ? Making my own flower/cake arrangements!

As shown pictures above, I'm going to make something similar for christmas! More cake, less flowers for top clients and more cake, more flowers for family/friends. You can either put candles, cupcakes, or cakes for the middle part. Its going to be exciting! Isn't it gorgeous ?

hunsie,

like... crazy.

love,
lumpy

30 days.

So! we've been officially 30 days in a relationship yesterday, 29th november 09.

Its still nothing, I know. We're still in our honeymoon stage, so its all still lovey dovey and pretty. I have to admit, I'm a bit scared to actually go to the next stage, but at the same time I can't wait to ride the whole journey with him :)
What do I know so far in our 30 days journey ? Been a bittersweet ride. I realized there will be quite a lot adjusting with each other, and he will be more annoying and pain-in-the-ass day by day. But, its ALL GOOD !

Last friday, I had my first 'Thanksgiving' brunch with K's close family at Kempinski Hotel. I was so nervous and scared before, but it was actually ... splendid! It was still scary of course, like, i have to proper of course. But besides all the nervous-ness, i actually enjoyed the whole lunch session and glad to know his family better.

Happy one month anniversary sweetie ! Thanks for being a real sweetheart and I promise I'll never have two boyfriends. XD


love,
lumpy

can you believe ?

Yeay ! Its our first picture together :)

The way I feel for you
I can't describe
It's almost too intense
To verbalize

Essentially you're all I'm living for
(And) basically I need you more
Have you ever been so enamored baby ?
That's how much I love you

All I need in this life, you see
Is me and my boyfriend
Have you ever felt lost
When you know you gotta leave me

That's how much I love you
Love is yours and mine
'Till the very end
Just me and my boyfriend


its' so amazingly freaky how you can read my mind or read my face just like that, it freaks me out. i'm sorry but i have to write this for our history's record. So, we were in the bathroom right, and I was just standing there and staring blank at him. I was thinking, by myself, "hhmmm, is this guy going to leave me, or are we going to survive, or is he in it for real or just physical, etc etc". Suddenly he turned to me and said, "no honey, I'm not gonna leave you". And, that is basically exactly what i was thinking in my head.
spooky, no ?

ps : when you're mad/jealous, you sound, and look incredibly sexy.

love,
lumpy

how it begins

Okay.
Now I'm going to confess about how I started to actually fall for my boyfriend. I never really want to admit it, because, well, my wall of pride is too thick. Ha !

So, we first met where I worked at his magazine's office, where i worked as a graphic designer. We were introduced by our friend, Felix, in the office of course. The whole time I worked there, I had this super tiny crush on him. I think that he's cute, walking manly and all, and feisty (in a sexy way). But, I also happened to think that who is this guy, he thinks he's cute and all that ?! Why talked so loud to the employees and all very galak , snobbish. He would be like go into our office, and started "yelling". Its a like-hate relationship. I always tried to be all cool in front of him and not being a goofball. I had a boyfriend at the time, and he also had a girlfriend at the time , and to be honest, I don't think he will fall for a silly girl like me. So, yeah there, i admit it, I've always had a crush on you. (too?)

Then, there's that time where he would always comment on my Facebook status until my best friends realized "who the heck is K.R and why is he always leave comments on your status?", also there's that time where i "accidentally" bumped into him at a skin doctor. I waited for quite some time and he happened to offer to accompany me the whole time I was there, which is like prolly about 1 hourish. And we were just catching up, and he asked for my phone number.

Don't get me wrong though, after we're dating, he's still the pain in the ass that he is. Annoying, mean and thinks that he knows it all ! But, aside all that, he's so loving and too adorable (no, i can't add more to this list, its just too much). Time goes by, until that time we met at blowfish and started to chat until dawn about ga-penting stuff. Then, it just reallllyyyy snowballing hard from there. Little did I know, I fall hard for him. Like crazily falling in ... love.


"I love you more than songs can say"


love,
lumpy

your presence is expected.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me ...
Cause' I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad, i'll go back to the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you forget about me


Okay. Just got invited to my very first thanksgiving celebration ! yippie yippie kay yay !!! Its with K's family and i'm looking forward to it, since its my very first. I'll get back to you for th report about the lunch on friday. Anyway, back to the cardboard love of the day. I can't get enough of my boyyyy !!! Everytime i spent a night with him, he seriously got me all hot and bothered. He makes me feel both as a spoiled girl and a woman at the same time. Akghhhh, when is this crazy oh-ga-ga feeling going to stop ?


love,
lumpy

my very own stud

"Everytime i see you, like really looking at you, I always think, this is it. you're it. I finally got the girl of my dream" -K, nov 2009.

"The ony name changing you'll be doing is to mine!" - K, nov 2009.

"I wish you knew how much i love you" -K, oct 2009.

"So here's the list. New England Patriots, never say colts. Boston Celtics, never say l.a lakers and on the top of the list is ... Boston Red Sox, never ever say the yankees". - K, nov 2009.

Yesterday, i had one of the most intimate moments of my life. its' too gay i can't even explain it. both of us couldn't even speak, the feeling is so strong we can't even put it in words anymore. he keeps saying he's so lucky to have me as his girlfriend, but i'm trying to show him that i'm basically feeling the same way. i never felt this way before, i guess my walls are finally tumbling down to pieces.

He asked me yesterday, what do i like about him, he said he's old, fat, not rich, etc. All i see is this super cute guy who i don't know how, every time i see him, i'm so mesmerized. There are so many things that i like about him, his charm, sarcasm, intelligence, jokes, kindness, sensitivity, the lil boy in him, very very affectionate, very loving, this list can go on and on. But, the best part is that he treats me like I'm the most special girl. I feel so safe and content when i'm with him. He should know, that i'm the one who's so lucky to have him here with me.

At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song

At last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream
That I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
I thrill that I have never known

When you smile, you smile
Oh then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine

-At last, Beyonce.

love,
lumpy

apparently

apparently, things are going to be harder than i thought it would be.
i would have to put more effort into fitting in and blending in.

apparently, i can't be an ignorant bitch no more.
i would have to be the one who approach first, who should talk first, who should star the conversation first, who should be the one whose more friendly than the other.

apparently, nothing's free in this world.
i have to actually work on something/someone that i really dreamed for.

apparently, social world is not as easy as i thought it would be.
drama, status, religions, last names are all somehow matters (to some people that is).

apparently, i have to be a better person.
i have to prove them wrong, be a better loving kind person, prove them that i'm actually good enough for their loved one.

love always,
lumpy

i guess it's half timing and the other half's luck.

Four things so far (that i realized) he's gonna need to do when i'm feeling down low :
- talk in indian accent (he's so good at this, i was laughin til my tummy hurts)
- do the bodybuilder poses (definitely second best)
- buy me a yoghurt with almonds and longans topping
- bring me to the nearest spa/any body massage that is

Here's a paragraph from a song that describe both of our feelings best :

This Time
I'm gonna make sure it turns out right
I wanna be your everything and by your side
For the rest of my life
This love feels the way that love should be
Look in my eyes and realise there's no disguise
'Cos I'm in love with you.

finally found - honeyz

But i understand, we have oh-so-many many obstacles coming our way for our relationship's future. i just really really hoping we're ready to face them together and will not give up. He gives me some sweet lovin' to brighten up my day, and yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole. I can't wait to give him more than i get, more of everything that is :)

love,
lumpy

new journey

i've decided to start a blog because i'm basically inspired by irma's blog where she's trying to record her journey to her special day and i think that's pretty awesome. I sent the image above to a very special person in my life, and i just want to share them again with you and telling you that is exactly how i feel right now.

i so can not wait for our journey to begin, the obstacles we're going to face, the arguments we're going to have, the sweet sweet love we're going to share, the whole roller coaster life. Its probably too early to say all this, but i seriously never feel this strong about someone before. Hopefully, this first new weeks are going to be the beginning of a beautiful-wonderful lifetime journey. yes, i said lifetime.

love,
lumpy